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The Man Behind FCA

tim@fcahelp.com — 2011-10-28T10:19:50-04:00

Gary Rowe passed from this life to the next last night, shortly after 10:30 pm. A room filled with his friends, sharing Scripture, singing songs, reminiscing, and loving him dearly helped to usher him to those who would greet him on the other side of this journey called life. Some of you may not know that Gary was on our Board of Directors at FCA. For several years, before his diagnosis of cancer, he worked alongside us as one of our Therapists. He was a well trained and highly skilled clinician whose services were sought after by many more than his time would allow him to see. Gary and I met in the fall of 1974 at Cincinnati Bible College for Freshman orientation. When I returned to Indianapolis in 1991, it was Gary who stood alongside me and helped me through the difficult transitions of my life. In 1993, when the group I was working with took a contract with St. Joseph's Hospital in Kokomo, it was Gary who suggested I start a Private Practice. A year later, he referred to me a young Therapist, Kristi Thompson, who had served with him at East 91st St. Christian Church as an Intern. She became my first associate at FCA and that is when I changed the name of the organization from Joshica (named after my two children, Josh and Jessica), to Family Counseling Associates. He continued to make those same kind of referrals of professionals, not to mention the client referrals, and we grew to where, in 1996 we needed more space than the Castleton Christian Church could provide. That is when we moved to our existing location in Castleton. Around 2004 I entered into a partnership with some folks to build a new building to house FCA. As most of you know, that partnership ended and it was one of the most difficult episodes of my life. Gary not only helped me through it, he continued to stay connected to the other good people who were hurt in the breakdown. And you should know that through his efforts and prayers, as well as the prayers and strong faith of all involved, we have all reconciled from that painful experience. Gary helped me to grow and learn some valuable lessons out of my failure.

Gary G. Rowe
October 9, 1956 - October 23, 2011

A couple years ago, Gary called me and asked me, "Tim, would you be interested in going to Haiti with me to work with some Missionaries?" It took all of 10 seconds to say yes to a trip back to a country my wife and I have come to love so much and Gary introduced us to some beautiful people with whom we and FCA still partners. Gary was a networker, weaving people together in relationships that impacted and still impact our world powerfully. He was a Pastor, a Family Therapist, a Clinical Supervisor, a Consultant, a father, a brother, a man of God who did not need to advertize his holiness, but just lived it out so beautifully that people were attracted to it. But for me, he was my friend. We served together, laughed together, ate Skyline together, cried together and shared life together. He will remain my friend and I am a better man for having known him these 37 years. I love you, Gary.

Tim

Modern Media and the Family

tim@fcahelp.com — 2011-10-24T19:52:54-04:00

The internet and cell phones have changed how we communicate and interact with the world around us. Facebook, Twitter, Skype, blogging, smart phones, apps, Google, and YouTube are now a part of our vocabulary. “Where are you going?” is no longer a question about physical geography. We now engage with one another through tweets, profile updates, blogs, and texts. We enter into each other’s lives through a two-dimensional portal, and these connections are almost immediate. Whether we like it or not, the times (and the technology) are a changin’. Now we must ask, how much has it changed us, and how do we respond to these changes?
There are wonderful advantages of modern communication technology. Social media has allowed us to connect with friends and family in new and improved ways. Skype and other video conferencing technology have allowed us to visually enter places and relationships. Grandparents can “join” a family dinner with grandchildren several states away. Deployed military parents and spouses can interact with family via live video stream. A year ago, I was asked to consult with an orphanage in Haiti regarding attachment and bonding. Being that I am also a mother of three small children, physically going to Haiti for several days was not an option. Skype gave me the freedom to “see and tour” the orphanage and consult with staff without having to leave my office.
Research has indicated there are several sociological and cultural changes as a result of new technology. These changes include: 1) our expectation for instant gratification, 2) our loss in ability to empathize and be compassionate towards others, 3) the increase in envy of others and subsequent dissatisfaction with our own lives, and 4) how modern technology has led to addiction/abuse of the internet and texting. Over the next few weeks, I will be addressing how these changes impact our family and religious life. In addition, I will also address the need for boundaries and limits regarding social media, internet, gaming, and texting.
We are losing the ability to wait. Our capacity for patience has shrunk. We now live in a world of instant gratification. We send a text and anticipate a response within seconds. If the response lags too long, our anxiety increases. Why have they not responded? Is something wrong? Do they no longer like me? Have I offended them?
Cyberspace has offered the gift of instant connection. Post a status update or picture on Facebook and within moments there are comments. One can instantly feel less lonely and have a greater sense of belonging. But, if the attempt to connect with the outside world is ignored, there is an increased risk of feeling rejected or further isolated.
Instant gratification has also promoted an illusion of instant spirituality. We are coming to expect immediate results from our prayers and religious devotion. We have less tolerance to persevere and endure through times of spiritual darkness or bouts of suffering. We are losing the ability to notice the quiet whispers of God in our daily lives. Sitting in adoration appears boring and useless for there is no instant result or immediate answers. We are losing the ability to wait upon the Lord.
How do we respond? We must make an effort to increase our ability to persevere through difficulties. Life is full of challenges, and expecting instant results is unrealistic. Much of life requires commitment, even if “you are just not feeling it.” The cultural response toward a demand for instant gratification has led to a lack of patience through the hard times. We are becoming quitters! The cultural message of instant gratification shouts out, “If your marriage is lacking, find a new spouse. If your kids are acting out, give them what they want to avoid the whining. If you have not sensed God’s presence in a while, skip Mass and stop praying.” We must remain committed despite an immediate response.
We are losing the ability to empathize. We can connect when it is convenient. We learn what it means to be human and how to navigate our way through the world through human interaction. We demonstrate we care for one another by paying attention. Our wired society is finding it difficult to pay attention to one another. In a New York Times article (6/7/2010), Clifford Nass, a communications professor at Stanford stated, “Throughout evolutionary history, a big surprise would get everyone’s brain thinking, but we’ve got a large and growing group of people who think the slightest hint that something interesting might be going on is like catnip. They can’t ignore it.”
We live in a society of multitasking – constantly checking our smart phones for texts, e-mails, updated statuses on social media. We are looking at our phones while eating, driving, and interacting with family members. While we may appear more productive due to our ability to multitask, the problem is we are unable to turn it off. Research is indicating that all this information overload is leading to distraction and an inability to focus our attention.
A recent study of college students found that college kids today are about 40 percent lower in empathy than their counterparts of 20 or 30 years ago. One possible difference is the rise of social networking. As one researcher put it, “The ease of having ‘friends’ online might make people more likely to just tune out when they don’t feel like responding to others’ problems, a behavior that could carry over offline.”
A lack of empathy is showing up in parents as well. Research has shown that feelings of hurt, jealousy, and competition are widespread among children of parents who obsess over cellphones and social networking at the expense of familial engagement.
We must be diligent set aside time for face to face interactions (without checking our cell phones).
We are growing to believe the grass is greener on the other side. The internet allows for instant affirmation – instantly feeling loved and connected. If family and married life is discouraging, the online community is appealing. We can grow envious of what we see in others. People utilize Facebook and other social media to typically display the highlights of their lives. It is less likely to see pictures of screaming children, fighting spouses, or sad faces. We are not exposed to the ordinary and mundane. We see the excitement in others and contrast that to what we perceive as boring lives.
We can become discontent with our family and social life. For adolescents especially, there is a hidden danger for the discontent to shift into a deep loneliness and even depression. There may be photos of a party, and the lonely adolescent realizes they were not included. They may wonder why others appear confident and surrounded by friends when they themselves feel lonely and insecure.
Modern communication has made it possible to reconnect with people with whom we had lost touch. We can connect with new people, exchange ideas, network for resources, and broaden our horizons. If one is dissatisfied with married life, there is an increased danger to reconnect with former romantic partners. The New York Daily News (Dec. 23, 2009) stated that a law firm reported 20% of divorce cases referencing Facebook in their court petitions. In personal conversations with other Marriage and Family Therapists, we are all seeing a growing trend of affairs beginning through Facebook and texting.
If we notice we are growing discontent in our married life, talk about it. Be honest with your spouse and discontinue secret communication. Do not share emotionally with others what you would not be willing to disclose to your spouse. Do not be afraid to remove sources of temptation if the discontentment continues to grow (e.g. disable your social network accounts and remove texting from your cell phone).
Heather Becker, LMFT

New Year - New Rituals

tim@fcahelp.com — 2011-01-09T16:38:25-05:00

As we move into this new year, is there any better time to assess the way we’re moving through our days and “doing marriage and family?” That’s right, it is possible to step back and evaluate whether the routines we’re accustomed to are serving the needs of our relationships or eating away at them. Here’s an obvious truth that escapes many of us - we don’t have to keep doing life the way we have up to this point...we can make some changes. Those changes will hopefully be for the better and will nurture our marriages, our children and our own lives. So, what would that look like? Here are some questions to consider in making that assessment:

Are we satisfied with our morning routine? How can we make it less stressful for all of us?
How can we make mealtimes more enjoyable and build more family togetherness?
What do we want our weekends to be like? Are we giving sufficient time to building faith values into our children and even our own lives?
Are the toys and electronics controlled by us or controlling us? Can we establish some guidelines to keep them in their proper place?

Well, you get the idea. So, take some time soon to have a conversation with your spouse about these and other similar issues. Try out some new rituals and break them out to your children. Of course, you’ll encounter some resistance at first, but in time everyone will probably see the value in the changes. Find the rhythm that works for your family!

Selah,
Tim Heck, PhD

The High Cost of Marital Distress

tim@fcahelp.com — 2010-07-08T21:52:55-04:00

The distress of marital conflict is not confined to the spousal partners. Systems theory tells us that the couple’s negative interaction will have a spillover effect on their child(ren), the extended family, their friendships, their work colleagues and even the community itself. Christianity has historically taught that marriage is a covenant whose very essence depicts the nature of God - the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. That nature is love. Science cannot fully capture the full extent of this age-old institution, nor can we minimize the devastating consequences of a marriage in distress. Divorce has enormous consequences for all involved. We work diligently to uphold the sanctity of marriage, while also helping couples to address the factors leading to their dissatisfaction.
Selah,
Tim Heck, Ph.D.

Welcome to the FCA Blog

tim@fcahelp.com — 2010-06-02T09:42:07-04:00

Welcome to our new FCA Blog. We are introducing this venue to communicate regularly to our client and referral community in an effort to help build awareness of current needs, trends, research and services available to help individuals, couples, and families to better cope with life, consistent with our Mission Statement. Check back regularly to find updates, articles, and brief summaries that will be sound and relevant for you, your family and friends.

Tim Heck, LMFT